Last week was a very
relaxing one for me after many, in a year where far too many changes have taken
place. It was also Shilpa's and my first vacation for the year - certainly due
for a long time.
It was a week-long
vacation to three places in Karnataka. The last place we went to was the Kabini
River Lodge, on the banks of the river Kabini and adjoining the Nagarhole
Forest Reserve, about 80 km from Mysore. The piece de resistance was of course
a jeep safari into the jungles at Nagarhole, in search of leopards and tigers,
as well as an assortment of other flora and fauna. Kabini serves all comers
regardless of their interests - bird enthusiasts, tiger-hunters (in a benign
way, of course - no animals were killed in the writing of this post), leopard
butterflies, butterfly chasers, etc., all place Kabini high on their list of
places to visit again.
We were at Kabini
for 2 days, during which we went on four jeep safaris through the Nagarhole
jungle. All of the safaris were great experiences in themselves (I'll
definitely visit again), but they also afforded me the opportunity to see
first-hand the different kinds of people that go on safaris. Like many things
in life, there were 7 distinct character traits on display (of course, some
all-rounder types such as yours truly may have attained high skill in multiple
traits among the below):
1. Happy Campers (HC)
These guys are here for the
experience. They aren't the materialistic and petty visitors for whom
success is a number of animals they saw; they are there, literally, for
the ride. Whether they see any interesting species of flora or fauna is
immaterial to them (although it must be said that there is a surprisingly
high correlation between such equanimous behavior and not having seen any
animals). This is, for instance, how a HC who was with me in the jeep
would have described our jungle sortie:
"The time being November, only a couple of
months after very heavy rains, the jungle was very green and fragrant, and a
strong envelope of freshness pervaded the scene. The ride itself was
exhilarating and refreshing, as we bounded through a jungle abounding with the
musical harmony of crows cawing, mynas chirping, woodpeckers pecking, babblers
babbling, djangos trilling, and eagles… well the eagles didn't do much. The
jungle and its inhabitants were so content and joyful in themselves, it even
felt a little voyeuristic to witness them in their natural habitat. Thank God
we didn't see a tiger or leopard - I can't explain it, but it would have
diminished the experience somewhat."
What
do you do when someone tells you this - congratulate or commiserate? Or maybe
you should gently tell them that django is not a bird, but a cowboy in a recent
movie they've seen (or if they were me, a cowboy in a recent movie his wife
made him walk out of). Anyway, these guys take several pains to show they're
not in it for the animals, including trying to take pictures with an ancient
handycam from a bouncing vehicle. You know the pictures will at best pretend to
be surrealist paintings with a mish-mash of colors, and at worst be, well,
horrid. But it doesn't matter one centime, for they're in it only for the
experience. Always fun to be around, this band of merry men is all you need
after a luckless day in the forest. They'll make you cheer up and drive a spike
into your forehead.
2. Snappy Campers (SC)
These guys are
here for the shots. If they catch a glimpse of a tiger disappearing into
the undergrowth, their first (and second and third) reaction is of
disappointment - "I wish he'd stayed long enough for me to put
together my camera, its humongously heavy telescopic lens, and sandbags
for me to keep me from toppling forwards as I try to take a photo…". A conversation
in the jeep during the safari would go thus:
Guide:
Hey look, a leopard!
SC:
Wow, wait let me take a picture!
[some
tinkering sounds ensue for 65 seconds, followed by a click].
SC:
Hey guys, take a look at this picture I took of the leopard's eyes! Doesn't it
look good?
Non-SC:
Uhh… (probably because he / she was too intent in looking at the leopard)
SC:
[Click] How does this one look? Doesn't the tiger's demeanor come out so
perfectly?
Non-SC:
Uhh… you mean leopard… uhh…
SC:
Damn, I wish I had a bigger lens. I could have taken a great photo of its
nostrils then.
Guide:
Shhh!
SC:
Guideji, which camera is the best for wildlife photography?
Guideji:
If you don't keep quiet, I'll throw you to the wolves.
SC:
Wow, that would make for a cool photo!
Animal
Planet (see trait no. 5): Wow! There are wolves here?
Guideji:
Sigh…
One
Snappy Camper in a jeep is more than enough, usually. But two Snappy Campers,
especially in a jungle that is unusually quiet, can make for really interesting
conversations. Fun to hear them exchanging notes about the different animals
they saw through their lenses in different parts of the country - "Deal!
You send me your leopard photos from Kabini and I'll send you my tiger photos
from Bandhavgarh." But it's even more fun when they start comparing their
lenses, and invariably begin to exchange phallic rebukes, including the classic
- "Mine is bigger than yours." [hat tip to Sigmund Freud]
3. Want-a-Tiger (WaT)
These very
interesting chaps have made it their life's mission (at least when
they're traveling. To forest reserves. That have tigers) to see a tiger.
It doesn't matter what else they see - a tiger is the shits. Proprietors
of jungle lodges really hate these guys - hard as it is to market new
ways of spending money to the alert Indian traveler, it becomes doubly
hard to make these guys open their pocket-folds to you.
Proprietor:
Sir, you should definitely try the boat safari, now that you're going to be
with us for 4 days.
WaT:
Hmm. Sounds interesting. Can you see a tiger during the boat safari?
Proprietor:
A tiger? No sir, tigers in these parts don't swim much in the river. They're
landlubbers mostly.
WaT:
In that case, I'm not interested in the boat safari.
Proprietor:
Never mind, sir. But you should definitely go for an Ayurvedic massage here.
Try the Pandava-massage if you have time - here, five of our best masseurs will
massage you together.
WaT:
Pandava-massage? Sounds very interesting. Do you think I can see a tiger during
the massage?
Proprieter:
Wat are you saying, WaT? Of course you can't.
WaT:
In that case, I'm not interested in the Pandava-massage.
[Proprietor
suffers a sudden stroke, and some of his staff scurry over to carry him away,
with a stretcher lying handy for just the purpose]
After
a while, they can also begin to grate on their companions on the safari (as I
began to grate on my wife):
Wife:
Look, a leopard!
WaT:
Damn it! Now we'll spend half an hour here, and blow our chances of seeing a
tiger!
Wife:
Honey, this is a leopard sanctuary.
WaT:
Wat the @#$%@#$! Why didn't you tell me this before??
Still,
I hope that the WaT in my family sees a tiger soon, at least so that the rest
of us can enjoy the safaris more.
4. Seen-a-Tiger (SaT)
Now, this is
another type of jeep-fellow that I've had the opportunity of observing at
length, happening that my wife belongs to this much-envied and much-hated
group. These individuals, if you haven't been able to run away from them
in time, lose no chance to remind you that they belong to the hallowed
and eclectic clique of people who have achieved the near-impossible -
they've seen a tiger in the wild. Sample this:
Wife:
[at start of safari] Well, for what it's worth, I do hope you see a tiger
this time. You've been waiting too long for this. As for me, I saw 3 tigers on
my first safari in Corbett.
Wife:
[at end of safari] Well, too bad this time. Maybe tomorrow you'll have
better luck. I think you should go to Corbett - you'll definitely see a tiger
there. Oh wait, you've already been there…
As
you can imagine, it's a little difficult to run away from this SaT when you're
sitting next to her in a jeep. Not so hard to strangle her though…
Another
unique trait of this group of people is their generosity in showing an interest
towards non-tiger animals.
SaT:
Man, I really hope we get to see some wild dogs today!
HC:
Wild dogs… interesting. How do they look?
SaT:
Oh, just like regular stray dogs in the city.
HC:
Sure, why not? I'm here for the ride.
Me:
Grr…
5. Animal Planet (AP)
Closely related
to the SaTs, this genus of safari-goers are treasure troves of
information about all things living. The only way in which they, in fact,
differ from treasure troves is that unlike the regular treasure trove,
you don't want this one to divulge its riches to you (at least not in the
middle of a safari). An alternate name for this trivia-trove is Main
Banoonga Crorepati (I want to be a Millionaire).
Guideji:
Look, can you see the sambar deer over there? Now look about 100m farther - a
tiger is stalking it.
AP:
Can you guys see the red spot on the sambar's throat? It's called a sore throat
- it happens when the sambar's young bite it while playing.
Non-AP:
ahan….
Guideji:
Shhh!
AP:
You know, when a tiger is on the prowl, the langur
is the first one to notice, and begins to call out to the other
forest-dwellers. Try shushing that!
One
also has to be wary of this creature when the game is afoot and the tension
heightens. Picture this - A leopard is on the prowl, and someone has witnessed
it walking into the bushes. Soon, three enterprising safari jeeps make their
way to the other side of the bushes, and wait in rapt rapture for the leopard
to appear. A envelope of silence pervades the scene, so taut that you could
stick the proverbial pin in it. At this critical juncture, the AP (also known
as the Wife in this case) is liable to cry out, "Look! A V-tailed
mongoose!" Guideji interjects, "Shh! One more peep out of you and
I'll throw you to the wolv… Dammit! Here we go again." "What, wolves!
Are there wolves here??"
6. Waisa Bhi Hota Hai Part III
You'll be really
lucky is someone from this elite clan is in your safari jeep. This
awesome and attractive fraternity is so awesome and attractive that its
awesomeness and attractiveness cannot be bounded by a petty acronym.
Members of this group get along very well with APs and SaTs - they always
have an interesting fact or two about the place beyond the sea and the
restaurant at the end of the universe.
WaT:
Man, it's so hard to see any animals here. Such disappointment.
HC:
Chill dude, I'm here for the ride.
Waisa
Bhi Hota Hai Part III: You know, things would have been different at Masai Mara
in Kenya. I'd gone there for a weekend once. There, you can see all the big
game so peacefully. I did only two safaris (it was a quick trip), but I saw 5
lions, 12 leopards, 25 giraffes, 35 zebra, etc.
AP:
Wow….
Waisa
Bhi Hota Hai Part III: Yup. And you should definitely go there during the
wildebeest migration, and do a balloon safari. Picture this - the wildebeest
crossing the river with massive crocodiles snapping at their heels, and a pack
of lions waiting on the other side. Somebody's gonna get hurt real bad! And
you'd have an aerial view. Anyway, I'm planning to go next weekend - aati kya?
AP:
Marry me!
WaT:
Wat the #@$#$@#$! Tu Vijay Mallya ka bhanja hai kya?
But
this group doesn't restrict its pontification to animals alone. Members, given
an opportunity (or if they grab one), do hold forth on some other aspects of
the good life.
Waisa
Bhi Hota Hai Part III: Guideji, tell me, how long do teak trees take to grow so
tall?
Guideji:
About 40 years in the wild. Why you ask?
Waisa
Bhi Hota Hai Part III: Just wanted to check, since I'd planted 50 teak trees in
my backyard recently.
Guideji:
Well, in domestic settings, they grow much quicker. 10 years tops.
Waisa
Bhi Hota Hai Part III: Jeez man! I hope they don't prevent my DIY micro-jets from taking off from my airstrip.
7. Babies (B)
Notwithstanding
the fear that some of the above traits instill in the hearts of
even-tempered safari-goers, Babies form the single-most feared group at
forest reserves. Close relatives, Cry-Babies, are also a painful clan,
always whining about how early in the morning they would have to get up
to come on the safari. A redeeming factor with the latter, of course, is
that they often do not get up to come on safaris. The former, however,
can very quickly obliterate a successful safari.
Imagine
this - the guide spots a leopard 100m away at 12 o'clock and immediately stops
the jeep. To top that, there's a herd of deer at 2 o' clock, right in the
leopard's eye-line. Barely able to contain his excitement, the guide shushes
the company - this promises to be one of his glory days. The leopard, for his
part, decides to put on a show for his guests. Stalking like a ninja (and like
a BOSS) towards the unsuspecting deer, he smirks contemptuously about the fate
of his soon-to-be prey, stopping for a moment to indulge the frenzied Snappy
Camper. Photos taken, he continues on the home stretch, when suddenly, the
Baby's sudden squeal pierces the air, leaving the rest of us (save one) in a
somewhat ambiguous position.
Leopard:
Wtf just happened! [whimpers]
Deer:
[noticing the leopard] Ai phatli teri!
Leopard:
[walks back into the bushes with his tail between his legs]
SC:
[looking up from his camera] Wait! What happened! [and promptly falls
forward under the weight of his lens]
WaT:
Good, now that the leopard is gone, maybe we can go find a tiger instead. Wat
say, folks? Shall we? Please?
HC:
Chill man, I'm here for the ride. I guess.
AP
/ SaT: Guideji, why did the leopard just walk away? And why are the deer
jeering?
Guideji:
[unambiguously shoots himself]
Waisa
Bhi Hota Hai Part III: I think this is gonna be one hell of a story. Maybe I
should put it in my blog...
